Seasons of Life

Let me start off by saying how amazing life is. Sure it has its ups and downs, but as a whole it is quite remarkable.

I remember being fresh out of high school and going through the motions that were expected of most new graduates; move out, go to college, become an adult. Seemed like so much at the time. Although, many of the friends I knew followed the same path. Looking back now, I know that I was just a pawn in the game called LIFE.

For the first semester of college I attended classes (most days) and went to some of the campus events or parties not feeling like it made sense but in many cases because "that is what college students do". I left after that semester because I wasn't seeing the value in what I was doing there. I was away from the rules of home and loving it but still not really wanting to be out doing what all the other young adults were doing. I spent a lot of time in my room just trying to make it feel like a home but could never get that warm fuzzy feeling I anticipated. Don't get me wrong though, I did enjoy the few months that I was there and the friends that I met, but I always knew something was missing for me.

I moved back home and life just began to happen. I was married with a kid, lived a very brief time as a stay at home mom until I found work - never really seemed like anything "out of the ordinary" but somehow, not how I had envisioned real life to be. Eventually, I had ended up a single mother with a baby on the way, new job, and a lot of things going on around me. Still, I was moving with the flow - not always a smooth journey, but still flowing along.

My mom (Cindy) used to talk about moving to Arizona. I always thought she was crazy when she asked if I would move there too. Why would anyone move away from the beauty of Colorado to the barren wastelands of the desert? Unfortunately, my mom never made that move before she passed away and the years to follow had a definite void but still I went with the flow of what went on around me.

I'll never really be able to pinpoint it exactly but I needed a change - anything. Whether it was a new job, a new place to live, both - something just needed to be different. Just like so many others I told myself there had to be more, wished for more, but it never seemed to "just happen". I had a few job interviews and even put in applications for potential houses. I received one interview ironically in Arizona with the same company I was with. Half chuckling to myself, "like I'd ever really move there", the whole time. Until they offered me the job and 45 days to relocate.

I was in a tizzy about what I had just gotten myself into. People don't just up and move on whim's notice. They don't uproot their kids and life as they know it to move somewhere strange and less exciting for the same pay. At least this is what I kept yelling at myself the whole time I was packing, canceling and creating leases, collecting school information, trying to find a way to even get money to move. However, I had so little backbone (contrary to the popular opinion) that I just couldn't tell the new boss that I was just bored and I was only kidding about taking the new job.

Through every obstacle that kept trying to ground me in my comfort zone of home I had to claw and fight to find a way through it. Somehow, I always managed to find a way. I was used to finding ways around obstacles in life just as debris does in a stream - it flows around things, sometimes getting stuck until it finds its way around on a different route so it keeps flowing along. This was similar but different. It's like I had been misplaced into a sea and I was unfamiliar with the "flow of things". I kept telling myself I could figure it out because that's what my mom would've done. Sounds kind of silly now but that was honestly the only motivation I had at the moment (for those of you wondering WHY I left Colorado - sorry no huge, insightful epiphany). However, for the first time in my life, I felt that I was the one that made it happen. I finally felt like I had control to make life do what I wanted and not just be a pawn.

There was an adjusting period where I had to absorb what I had done and where to go moving forward. I wasn't going to sit around waiting for life to happen to me again - that's way too much waiting and I wasn't always fond of the route it took when it picked up. So I joined a group - improv acting to be specific. It was fun but I wanted more. I began working with a group of wrestlers. I was able to wear so many hats - photographer, marketing, public relations, advising board, etc. It had been enough activity to sustain me for awhile but I still wanted more so I enrolled in college as a full time student just to see how I would fare in it.

After I got comfortable with the flow of college, work, and motherhood I again began to feel too cozy and began working with a charity doing some of the same work I enjoyed with the wrestling group. I took on the honors program at school - again, just to see if I could do it if I put the effort into it. Other charity work and side projects were continuously added to the schedule. Sometimes, it was a little too much but when I cut back, I felt unproductive - even bored. It was as if the challenge that the move had on me opened up a door to some beast who just wanted more challenges to chew up.

That brings us to the present day. I still work regularly with two charities, starting my 3rd year as a full time college student in the honors program, periodically working with the wrestlers and acting scene still all while working and being a full time mom to two high school kids. It really sounds like so little in a list but it usually keeps me busy.

The point is this... don't be just a pawn in life. You have the power to make things happen. Maybe it's not always exactly how you envisioned it and it's rarely easy, but good things will come with hard work - which is not always fun but well worth the results. I don't think that had I stayed in Colorado I would feel as successful in life and maybe that is why I don't have a desire to move back anytime soon (maybe to retire unless I move somewhere more exotic). I still struggle with the daily things in life but rarely let it get in the way because I know that I have the power to find a way to change it.

Find your motivation, step out of your comfort zone sometimes. Get out and DO something. Sitting at home or on the computer wishing things were different is not going to make things change - whether it is your personal life, career, politics, or even spiritual growth. I haven't even decided what exactly it is that I want to accomplish from life yet - OMG I'd be unstoppable!

I still am not ready to plunge into anything and tend to dip my toe in the water before deciding to jump in. But DO test the water, DO something out of your ordinary once in awhile and do LIVE your life instead of just being an extra in the spotlight of the stars. You Can be the STAR of Your Own Life!

Dear John Resignation Letter

In contemplating so many that I've seen leave before me, I felt compelled to write my own resignation letter....



Date: Long Time Comin'

My Darling (insert company name here),

Let's cut to the chase. I feel it's about time that we have "the talk". First, let me just clarify that it's not you, it's me. I expect a lot, too much maybe, and I feel that I am asking more of you than you are capable of giving. To blame you for my ridiculously high standards would just be insensitive.

When we started out on this venture together (insert years here) years ago, it was as if we were meant to be.  Everything fit together. I needed you, you needed me and we made each other happy. We enjoyed each other's company. Funny how so much can change. 

As time progressed I felt that I was not as important to you as I once was. My feelings and ideas no longer seemed important. Sure, you wanted me there with you, but not because you cared, but because you became dependent on me. It became all about the money. I began to feel like it was always about you and what made you happy no matter what I had to sacrifice. Even when I was sick or my personal world seemed to be collapsing, you expected me there. You rarely offered a shoulder or understanding ear. No matter the time of day, when you wanted me by your side I had to be there for you or I would never hear the end of how unreliable I was. I tried, really I did, to accommodate you every time but sometimes I needed to do things that were in my best interest too. That didn't usually go so well in your eyes. 

You used to take care of me, even when I was sick - the best you knew how. But eventually, it's like you stopped trying altogether. My heart aches, my body aches and your only response is "some people have it worse". You no longer leave me little random gifts "just because", there are no more encouraging words, no more friendly face to wake up to. It's as if we are living two separate lives under the same roof.

I know I probably didn't make it easier on you either. My dissatisfaction with our relationship began to consume me so much that I stopped trying too. I had hoped you would realize that I was more than just someone to snuggle with when you needed something. Maybe if you had, we wouldn't be in this mess today. 

I've tried talking to you, at times I've even yelled. I apologize for that. I just felt that if I said it louder, you'd eventually hear me. Now, when I'm with you, it seems so dark and cold. All you want to do is sit back and watch TV or hang out with all of your friends. I don't feel like I'm a part of something special anymore. I need that. Time has shown me that's just not something you are able to offer.

I need to feel important, not needed as much as wanted. I need to hear how much you need and want me too. Boy, has it been a long time since I've heard that. I want someone to grow old with and I want the security of knowing we'll be taken care of. Always changing the rules of the game so that you win was just not on my agenda. 

I hope I'm not coming off harsh or hurtful. That is not my intention. We've had great times and because of our relationship, made some of the best friends I could ask for. I will never regret being a part of your life and I hope you feel the same. Honestly, I hate to imagine where I would be today if it weren't for you. Unfortunately, where I want to be tomorrow is limited by the chains you have on me now and I want to be able to break free and spread my wings. 

Breaking up is never easy and I'm sure it will be a little hard on both of us at first. However, we'll quickly find a niche that works for us both and come out stronger in the end. This much I am sure about.

Thank you for all you've done for me and the compromises or sacrifices you made to stay with me all this time. You didn't have to put up with me either but you did. However, I must be moving on now. My dreams and goals are bigger now because of you. It's a scary road but it's the challenge and learning something new I look forward to. 

Good luck in all you do and hopefully we'll both find that special place in someone's heart to live happily ever after!

With Deepest Regards,
Julie

P.S. I QUIT US!!

Little Blue Car 1/9/2012

Nine years have passed since I bought my little blue car. I call her Leilani in memory of my mother, which is Hawaiian for beautiful flower. I remember when I set out on my mission to complete a car purchase. Although it was the middle of spring, we had received a generous amount of snow the night before. Contrary to popular misconceptions, snow usually melts quickly in Colorado when the sun is shining. By the time I had left, there were a few banks of snow that had been pushed aside from the plows but it was just a memory on the asphalt of the roads.

I had already set out knowing exactly what I wanted. For the first time in my life, I was making a big purchase on my own. I had wanted a Honda Civic with a moon roof and spoiler, a 5-speed (better to handle in the wintry mountain weather), tinted windows, power locks and a key-less entry. I wasn’t asking for much since most of those were standard features. Finally, I found the one I wanted in the back of the lot. There were only three EX models, one in red the others in silver but I was set on blue.

I was about to leave when they told me they could bring one in from another town that was almost an hour away. I agreed on the condition that they would have it ready for me by the end of the weekend since I wanted features added. When I picked up my new car I was so ecstatic! This was the first time I had ever had a new car. The security of knowing it wouldn’t break down on me leaving me stranded like so many before her had done. The moment was perfect.

Nowadays, she is rickety and worn like an old broken in shoe with scars from accidents gone by and sticky unknown objects from children that have dirtied her once pristine seats. Now, like a little old lady who struggles to reach her destination but with conviction, always seems to come through. She’ll reach 200,000 miles this month and I am saddened knowing that her end is near. I hoped to pass her onto one of my children but I am not sure she’ll live to see that day. So, I trudge on to the next chapter when I get to start all over again on a quest to purchase another new car. 

Fungus! 12/27/2011

They are dismal shades of brown and off whites, sometimes appearing as if just pulled from a pot of soil. They are fairly odorless in their natural environment, but repulsively pungent once cooked. The smell triggers a multitude of reactions within me. A wave of heat rushes over me and I begin to get lightheaded. My mouth begins to fill with saliva similar to when my stomach feels sour and a bitter metallic taste permeates against my taste buds. Frantically, I begin to search for the origination of that horrendous odor.

My eyes scan the room in search; I know it is there somewhere taunting me. Quickly I covertly glance at the meal in front of the person closest to me. Is it there? There is a beautiful cuisine of steamed spring vegetables and a delightful aroma of butter and garlic in the air. Next to it, there is a fillet of white fish garnished in bright tart lemon slices. Although I do not like the smell of fish, this is not the culprit; but it is near.

Anxiety overcomes me as I look down at the plate before me. I tell myself, “There is no way that is coming from my food”. Goosebumps begin to form and a feeling of dizziness overwhelms me. My thoughts begin to race back to the ingredients on the menu. I am sure that I would have caught them if there were listed and again there is a waft of the overpowering scent. I take my fork and start to sift through the food that was so neatly organized on my plate. Alas! My fears have been confirmed. There it is; mocking me in its slimy existence. I muster all that I have to conceal the fungus once more and place the dish as far out of my reach as possible.

“Pardon me, Waitress”, I call out with a waiver in my voice. She responds promptly to my beckoning cry. Fighting back the urge to faint or worse and with barely a breath left within my lungs, I manage to pull the words together and say “I think there are mushrooms in this food”.

P.S. Yes, I do actually have a fear of mushrooms! 

My little man... 12/26/2011

There I sat on a cold, metallic bench in the cool autumn air – waiting, just waiting. I was sure I emitted enough enthusiasm that could be felt from across the isolated field. I know there were sounds from the passing traffic, roaring jet engines overhead and of the hundreds of spectators that seemed to invade my private little moment. However, all I could hear was the deafening sound of my heart, thumping and pounding away inside my chest like an old steel drum. I could hardly catch my breath and I felt myself struggling to swallow as lumps of emotion overcame me. I wasn’t going to cry.

Holding back the tears and my head held high, I watched the seconds slowly ticking away. In just a few moments there would be a battalion of young men and women marching in tight systematic rows, parading down that very path. All of their innocent youthful faces would be concealed by the shadows emitting from the brims of their hats. Their green and tan attire made them appear like one large conglomeration of shrubbery against the barren terrain of the desert around. It had been many years since I had been a part of such a presentation.

Alas, the bugles sounded over the speaker system and like wind up tin soldiers, they all stood at attention. Row by row they began to hustle into place onto the field below and for a brief moment, I caught a glimpse of the familiar contours of his face. He was no longer the petite little boy I used to cradle in my arms. He was evolving into a man before my very eyes. Although the pride and joy consumed me, I felt a tinge of sadness in my heart. Would he still want me to help carry the burdens this jagged life would toss his way? This was my little man – now a junior cadet in the corps. As I’ve done in so many challenging instances before, I inhaled a deep breath of air and slowly exhaled. I would not allow my weakness to consume me. Just like the budding junior soldiers, I too would remain poised.

Although this event was an annual occurrence, this was the first my son was a part of. I remember feeling similar emotions when I sat in the stands watching his father at a similar procession many moons earlier, but this moment would forever change me. No longer could I see my baby but the man he had become. The reality was that he would not be under the security of my wings much longer and was quickly nearing a departure from home. This was the moment I feel that every mother not only dreams of for their children, but also dreads as they know they are losing that piece of themselves as they begin to leave home. This was the day I saw myself face to face with a great man. 

Random nonsense.... 10/18/2011

Honestly, I should be sleeping at these wee hours of the early morn; however, when I am overcome with nagging chatter in my head, this blank slate becomes by sanctuary and my attempt to lull myself into a restful slumber.

I have been burdened with the fact that I have decided that a certain “venture” in my life I can no longer sustain and so I have stepped out. The downfall is that the hours not used thinking for this area become stewing ideas and thoughts in my head that somehow nag at me like the annoying housefly that just keeps buzzing and buzzing and zipping past your nose and buzzing and buzzing and whizzing by your ear… I am sure you understand my point. Murder is the only escape to sanity!!! (Errr, at least in the fly’s case). With these hounding thoughts, catching them and releasing them like the humane little creature I want to be becomes the only resolution.

It occurs to me that there are many brilliant men and women that have and do live among us. I find idle pleasure in searching quotes that touch my soul or speak what I am unable to collectively place into lyrical perspective. Such minds like Albert Einstein, Martin Luther King Jr., Plato, etc. – it consumes my psyche with a drive and desire to live and search for a better life mantra; to invoke this inner me to come out and “teach the world to sing in perfect harmony”. Difficult task… but at least that’s the thought that keeps egging me on.

What I would give to be able to allow someone to step inside my head with all my thoughts and randomness, my constant self-disciplinary and “Go Me” thoughts, the horrible things and the ridiculously insane (yet tremendously amusing – at least to me) thoughts. The plethora of information and conversation that is constantly swirling in my cranium…. It’s a wonder I haven’t been committed. Just think the adventure one could have – what a tourist attraction! I could appease the feeble minded just as easily as I could an intellect. The only thing to worry about is getting lost or wanting to get off the ride; that could pose a whole different set of challenges.

I wonder if this is a psychological disorder I suffer from or those lazy doctors who may jump to the simple conclusion that it’s an easily labeled disorder like ADHD. Bah-humbug! Having been a devout Psych major I do believe that such a “disorder” exists but that it is over-diagnosed. Or is this a sign that I am losing or have lost my mind? Maybe I can redeem myself and it’s simply the sign of a genius. Whatever it is, why are my thoughts so easily misconstrued or received inaccurately? Do I fail to simplify these in a cohesive manner?

Often times, especially lately, I feel like I am completely rational and virtually Zen-like in my tinkering thoughts. Yet, when I open my mouth to speak, it’s as if I am speaking a foreign language to my peers or like I have just burned my tongue on a boiling hot bowl of homemade soup and I am then perceived as a bumbling idiot to these people who I wanted to enlighten.  I continually contemplate as to whether or not my thoughts are too complex, too abrasive, or too abstract for the majority to comprehend. I am literally befuddled.

I provide disclosures that I have no concise reasoning as to WHY these thoughts are lingering or WHERE they spawned from in most cases – they’re just there. People are always asking for the truth. Honestly – the truth is that the truth is usually undesirable so due to these politically correct standards we have securely wrapped ourselves inside of; we find that we have to mask “the truth” or “fabricate the truth” with “little white lies” to pacify the weak minded individuals which seem to have overpopulated this floating rock. Sometimes I feel that it would just be simpler to take up residence in my own secluded padded white abode to avoid having to cope with the concept of political correctness. However, in hind sight, that defeats the mission I set out on to open up the world to a better way…

So, the majority of time, I find myself organizing, reviewing, analyzing these thoughts – placing them into neat little categories. “Is this one I keep locked up?” “Is this one I can modify and construct vocally to be passive enough yet comprehended in the manner in which it was created for” “Do I just blurt it out and not worry about consequences that follow”? These may seem silly but so many of these thoughts and ideas that are consuming my cerebellum are being categorized in this very way – even now as I type this nonsensical chatter do I continue to audit myself. 

The Irony in all of this was that I was just discussing with my teenage son how this very issue would keep me up through odd hours of the night and eat away at valuable sleep time. Whether it is because I was thinking about it and it was a lingering thought that needed to be pampered or whether it was sparked by one thought that branched out into the millions of seemingly random ones, I am not sure that I will ever understand. Just that I feel I am not like the regular people in my understanding and communications. Additionally, that I have just spent an hour writing in colorful circles about absolutely nothing instead of getting my needed slumber of which I will only be able to catch one hour of before starting a new day….  Oye Vaye.

Adventures in Driving… 10-02-2008

Ok, here I am again... dorkzilla, back to elaborate on yet another simple situation to make it the size of the galaxy all for my own amusement... hopefully yours a little.

Let me start off by saying I am a female so I understand I was not granted the most awesome gift from God of being the world's best driver, but I haven't killed anyone...  yet....

In order to enjoy the simple pleasures of a nice house, I must travel 50 miles each way to and from work, through the hot desert sun, uphill, both ways... hehe. I knew this may eventually pose a slight problem being a nightwalker and all (for those sun soakers, that means I work graveyards), but last week my worst fear almost came to fruition.

Let's just say that I may have not been sleeping good Monday so therefore, come Monday night, I was wishing I was sleeping REALLY good. This is where that whole concept of the "unmentionable place" comes to mind (work - blah). It was a battle all night to keep the shutters of my visionary processors open... and I feel I did alright considering who the hell is really watching paid programming at 4 in the morning anyway??

But I was raring to go. I only had an hour drive to get to the sanctity of my boudoir (didn't know I could speak French, did you?). I was doing ok… although, I may have scared a few motorists with some crafty and surprising lane changes, but I was still within some of the lines...

And there it was... Exit 200! Inside, I was jumping for joy but outside, the excitement was too much to handle and again I lost my battle with the Sandman.... damn nemesis of mine!

I was getting off the exit ramp and some tard-hole decided to make the exit ramp curved like a snake (or those of you in CO, a mountain road). WTF!! Disregard the fact that it may have always been a little "wavy" but that day it was supposed to be straight!

Thus, causing me to veer a little off the road... but I AM WOMAN and I recovered... only to be tripped up by loose gravel on the road!! Who would have put that there?? So I found myself in some time warp, still barely concsious but aware enough of my impending demise, spinning around with my front winshield facing potential oncoming traffic! Lucky me though, my car decided to actually exit the off ramp causing me to slide down the embankment of the road onto the evil desert sand!

This is when my Super Sleuth instincts kicked into high gear. I looked around in a moment of panic to see who was everywhere. When I realized I wasn't dead and There were no cars in the immediate area, I flipped a "female dog", got back onto that devious off-ramp and high tailed it home.

The car was pulling really hard to the left... "Great", I thought. "I broke it too". But the mission at hand was to get into the secret confines of my garage and fade away into embarrassing slumber.

When I got home, luckily I only managed to give myself a flat tire by jamming EVIL AZ pebbles into the wheel frame which was easily remedied by calling my brother over to drive me to the shop to have them re-mount it and pump some hot air in that sucker (thank heaven, we have a lot of that out here).

The lesson of the day, kids? Don't forget to mail away for your secret decoder ring and open up your opportunities into the ways of the master gumshoe so you can find your way out of sticky situations such as these....

And, by the way, I still haven't killed anyone driving.... YET....