Fungus! 12/27/2011

They are dismal shades of brown and off whites, sometimes appearing as if just pulled from a pot of soil. They are fairly odorless in their natural environment, but repulsively pungent once cooked. The smell triggers a multitude of reactions within me. A wave of heat rushes over me and I begin to get lightheaded. My mouth begins to fill with saliva similar to when my stomach feels sour and a bitter metallic taste permeates against my taste buds. Frantically, I begin to search for the origination of that horrendous odor.

My eyes scan the room in search; I know it is there somewhere taunting me. Quickly I covertly glance at the meal in front of the person closest to me. Is it there? There is a beautiful cuisine of steamed spring vegetables and a delightful aroma of butter and garlic in the air. Next to it, there is a fillet of white fish garnished in bright tart lemon slices. Although I do not like the smell of fish, this is not the culprit; but it is near.

Anxiety overcomes me as I look down at the plate before me. I tell myself, “There is no way that is coming from my food”. Goosebumps begin to form and a feeling of dizziness overwhelms me. My thoughts begin to race back to the ingredients on the menu. I am sure that I would have caught them if there were listed and again there is a waft of the overpowering scent. I take my fork and start to sift through the food that was so neatly organized on my plate. Alas! My fears have been confirmed. There it is; mocking me in its slimy existence. I muster all that I have to conceal the fungus once more and place the dish as far out of my reach as possible.

“Pardon me, Waitress”, I call out with a waiver in my voice. She responds promptly to my beckoning cry. Fighting back the urge to faint or worse and with barely a breath left within my lungs, I manage to pull the words together and say “I think there are mushrooms in this food”.

P.S. Yes, I do actually have a fear of mushrooms! 

Bumper cars used to be so much fun…? 3/12/2009

Do you remember the days when you were a kid and you were so excited to go to the local amusement park or traveling carnival? One of my most favorite rides was the bumper cars. Not sure why this was soooo exciting other than you were allowed to drive before you had a license. It was the thrill of being behind the wheel... you had control!

"BEFORE you had a license", I said!! What the heck! Good thing is that the intelligent person who came up with this so called "ride" put rubber bumpers on the cute little car. Why was this person not given the Nobel Prize and have the auto industry start placing these on street vehicles??!! Or, better yet, why did Cracker Jacks start handing out driver's licenses as the surprise toy in the bottom of the box??

Where am I going with this, you ponder? A 5 minute trip the bank becomes a 6 hour excursion due to the lack of thought put into bounce proof cars and handing driver's licenses to every Tom, Dick & Mary (or Maria in this case).

Every time I have ever been hit and not been at fault, an old lady crawls out from behind her over-sized steering wheel and down off of her 6 inch booster seat! That should be the number one indicator that she needs to be retested frequently to KEEP her license. HELLLOOOO!!!?? Too short to "see" the road wasn't a red flag?

Now, my Sweet Leilani lies in pieces, tormented and wounded for the next 4-5 days while the kindness of some stranger, (who probably wants to take me or the insurance company for all that he can), mends her broken body and boosts her spirits by giving her a well needed makeover.

I think my once youthful, beautiful Leilani gives false representation that she yurns to be a fun-giving bumper car since she has been in 5, count them... 5, accidents of sorts since bringing her home in her swaddling clothes. My children haven't even been in this many accidents!!!

I think I need to invest in a yellow caution strip with reflectors and flashing hazard lights so that no one misinterprets her jovial character as "Baby Buggy Bumper play time". Maybe add a megaphone and speaker system that shouts "A-UUUGA!!" in that cartoon way when another heap of metal and/or Plexiglas is within a yard of her delicate, pearl blue skin. OR just start testing the old farts more frequently, a majority ruled jury decision and no one with a flipping BOOSTER SEAT for Pete's Sake!!! I mean, I'm short and I don't have one!!

For all of you worriers out there don't fret. In reality, she simply backed into my rear passenger side door as I was going to withdraw well needed funds from the only cursed bank in this desolation they call a town. In less than 6 hours, I had claims filed through both insurance companies, estimates from both companies' collision centers, a rental car (a gas hog of course) and my crippled baby already in the shop and being disassembled like Johnny 5. Damn I'm good!! AND... to top it off, she'll be all better and raring to taking us on our trip out to LEGOLAND next week --- and all this before either insurance company can ironically reach the old hag who hasn't figured out how to use her rearview mirror!!

DISCLAIMER
**No one was injured in the making of this story. All events are based on actual events and places although the names may have been changed to protect the identity of those involved - except for the moronic Maria.**

Thank you and good day!

Swallowed by the Desert… 5-15-2008

I have been begging and praying for weather out here... I mean anything would be better than blue skies and sun ALL the time. So maybe I'm a little crazy but there is nothing better than a good rainstorm. I was ecstatic when I saw gray clouds in the sky and then... YES! One, two, three drops of water, but that was it! It was seriously depressing - or so I thought. My phone began "singing". My brother usually calls before he comes to get his kids so I thought nothing of it. Then on the other end... "Have you looked out the window?” Since I already had all the kids at the house, there was no reason to. "Why?” I asked. "There's a storm coming", he replied.

I could hardly contain myself. I ran outside to be there when it began to pour, but the sky wasn't gray - it was brown?! My brother told me he would be late because he would not be able to get to my house. I only live 4 streets away so I was a little confused. Suddenly my whole house and everything around it was consumed by dirt. Was this the infamous sand storm? I didn't see that in the weather forecast. I could only see this sad little tree in my front yard whipping around. There was so much wind and dirt everywhere! There was even a bird trying to fly into this storm and ended up flying backwards.

It lasted about 20 minutes and then was gone as if it had never even happened. I've been in blizzards, tornadoes and other "storms" but this was a first. It was like that scene from The Mummy where the desert swallows everything. I'm just waiting now for the locusts and plague to appear on my doorstep in preparation for Satan's arrival. I think it’s time to invest in a doormat that reads "Home Sweet Hades".