Honestly, I should be sleeping at these wee hours of the early morn; however, when I am overcome with nagging chatter in my head, this blank slate becomes by sanctuary and my attempt to lull myself into a restful slumber.
I have been burdened with the fact that I have decided that a certain “venture” in my life I can no longer sustain and so I have stepped out. The downfall is that the hours not used thinking for this area become stewing ideas and thoughts in my head that somehow nag at me like the annoying housefly that just keeps buzzing and buzzing and zipping past your nose and buzzing and buzzing and whizzing by your ear… I am sure you understand my point. Murder is the only escape to sanity!!! (Errr, at least in the fly’s case). With these hounding thoughts, catching them and releasing them like the humane little creature I want to be becomes the only resolution.
It occurs to me that there are many brilliant men and women that have and do live among us. I find idle pleasure in searching quotes that touch my soul or speak what I am unable to collectively place into lyrical perspective. Such minds like Albert Einstein, Martin Luther King Jr., Plato, etc. – it consumes my psyche with a drive and desire to live and search for a better life mantra; to invoke this inner me to come out and “teach the world to sing in perfect harmony”. Difficult task… but at least that’s the thought that keeps egging me on.
What I would give to be able to allow someone to step inside my head with all my thoughts and randomness, my constant self-disciplinary and “Go Me” thoughts, the horrible things and the ridiculously insane (yet tremendously amusing – at least to me) thoughts. The plethora of information and conversation that is constantly swirling in my cranium…. It’s a wonder I haven’t been committed. Just think the adventure one could have – what a tourist attraction! I could appease the feeble minded just as easily as I could an intellect. The only thing to worry about is getting lost or wanting to get off the ride; that could pose a whole different set of challenges.
I wonder if this is a psychological disorder I suffer from or those lazy doctors who may jump to the simple conclusion that it’s an easily labeled disorder like ADHD. Bah-humbug! Having been a devout Psych major I do believe that such a “disorder” exists but that it is over-diagnosed. Or is this a sign that I am losing or have lost my mind? Maybe I can redeem myself and it’s simply the sign of a genius. Whatever it is, why are my thoughts so easily misconstrued or received inaccurately? Do I fail to simplify these in a cohesive manner?
Often times, especially lately, I feel like I am completely rational and virtually Zen-like in my tinkering thoughts. Yet, when I open my mouth to speak, it’s as if I am speaking a foreign language to my peers or like I have just burned my tongue on a boiling hot bowl of homemade soup and I am then perceived as a bumbling idiot to these people who I wanted to enlighten. I continually contemplate as to whether or not my thoughts are too complex, too abrasive, or too abstract for the majority to comprehend. I am literally befuddled.
I provide disclosures that I have no concise reasoning as to WHY these thoughts are lingering or WHERE they spawned from in most cases – they’re just there. People are always asking for the truth. Honestly – the truth is that the truth is usually undesirable so due to these politically correct standards we have securely wrapped ourselves inside of; we find that we have to mask “the truth” or “fabricate the truth” with “little white lies” to pacify the weak minded individuals which seem to have overpopulated this floating rock. Sometimes I feel that it would just be simpler to take up residence in my own secluded padded white abode to avoid having to cope with the concept of political correctness. However, in hind sight, that defeats the mission I set out on to open up the world to a better way…
So, the majority of time, I find myself organizing, reviewing, analyzing these thoughts – placing them into neat little categories. “Is this one I keep locked up?” “Is this one I can modify and construct vocally to be passive enough yet comprehended in the manner in which it was created for” “Do I just blurt it out and not worry about consequences that follow”? These may seem silly but so many of these thoughts and ideas that are consuming my cerebellum are being categorized in this very way – even now as I type this nonsensical chatter do I continue to audit myself.
The Irony in all of this was that I was just discussing with my teenage son how this very issue would keep me up through odd hours of the night and eat away at valuable sleep time. Whether it is because I was thinking about it and it was a lingering thought that needed to be pampered or whether it was sparked by one thought that branched out into the millions of seemingly random ones, I am not sure that I will ever understand. Just that I feel I am not like the regular people in my understanding and communications. Additionally, that I have just spent an hour writing in colorful circles about absolutely nothing instead of getting my needed slumber of which I will only be able to catch one hour of before starting a new day…. Oye Vaye.
